My Nightmare

I was on a walk with my husband and our youngest daughter. It was a glorious day. It was the kind of day that begs to be spent outdoors as long as possible. The grass was tall. It was up to my shoulders and I could see a sea of golden grass waving in every direction. The sun was shining, but it wasn't in my eyes and I didn't need my sunglasses. There was a path that we followed without really knowing where we were going. We were near my parents' house so I didn't worry about getting lost. I knew I'd always be able to find my way home.

We came to a creek. I grew up playing in this creek and was happy to splash a little cool water on my face. As I got closer to the water, I saw some toys belonging to my children. I figured that they must have washed downstream while their backs were turned. I started to gather the toys one by one into a backpack that suddenly appeared on my back. A Hello Kitty piggy bank, a plastic red apple, a fire truck with a broken ladder, and what appeared to be a giraffe head were all half buried in the silt at the bottom of the creek.

I picked up Hello Kitty, the apple, the fire truck and placed them into my pack. I went to grab the giraffe when I saw something move. I had disturbed the silt while removing the toys. Now that it was settling again, I saw the snake. It looked like a rope. A lot of rope. If I hadn't seen it move and recognized a head, I would have told myself that it was a rope and moved on. But it wasn't a rope. It was a snake. A lot of snake. As the silt settled further, I saw more rope. Realized that there were more snakes. Then I saw another giraffe head further on. Then another and another. There were 5 that I could see clearly, maybe more further on. The creek had changed into a small lake and I was standing on a beach made equally of river rock and dark, wet sand. The giraffe heads were connected to giraffe bodies. There were entire giraffes, dead, at the bottom of this lake! How is that possible? These snakes were long, but they were thin, they couldn't have done this.

At that moment, the sick realization hit me. These were the babies, and they were waking up hungry. The first snake that I had seen started to move out of the water toward me. Once it was out of the water, it's skin looked like velvet. It was a light lavender color and looked wonderfully soft. I was frozen with terror. Despite my fear, I was horribly curious to know what it's skin felt like. I managed to force my legs to move a few steps to the left, away from the beautiful, soft snake. I saw ripples on the water and realized that the adult snakes were coming to tend to their young. They were all hungry.

To my complete and utter horror, my sweet, fearless daughter bent down to pet the velvet snake. I was so terrified that I couldn't even scream for her to run. I was paralyzed and I was sure that I was about to witness the death of my baby. My legs had stopped moving, but the snake hadn't.

Miraculously, the snake completely ignored my little girl. It was like she was invisible.

More snakes had started to come out of the water. All in beautiful shades of lavender, violet, and purple. She continued to pet each one as they came out of the water and slithered past her. I was farther away from them, but I hadn't moved.

Like a voice from heaven, I heard my husband behind me. "Kristi, you need to step very carefully toward me." Fear still gripped my heart like a vice and I couldn't even answer him to tell him that it was impossible. He repeated himself. "Kristi, you need to step very carefully toward me. Now." My foot moved. Then the other. In five steps I was clinging to his back and he told me that I needed to hang on tight. I closed my eyes and prepared myself for him to run. He only made it a few steps. I heard a strange, high pitched scream a second before I felt the razor sharp fangs sink into my back. I felt the teeth puncture my heart and went limp. The last thought in my head was, "I wonder if they'll let me touch their velvety skin before I die."

The I woke up shaking and sweating and never wanting to fall asleep ever again. Ugh. Dreams are dumb.

20 lbs and counting

Gross.

I can't believe this happened.

I thought I was okay. I knew I was slipping, but I didn't realize that I'd fallen this far.

I weighed myself. I know. Bad move. The battery in my scale has been dead for a long time. I'm totally okay with that. I hate knowing how much I weigh. I went to my mom's house and her scale was sitting in the middle of the kitchen floor (so they could weigh their bags before going on a trip). Tori stepped on and weighed herself. She's almost up to 40 lbs. She bouncing on it and trying to make herself weigh more. Then she said, "Hey mom, remember when you used to stand on the scale?" Yes. I remember all too well. She begged me to step on the scale. I told myself that I would step on the scale, but I wouldn't look. I was doing just fine until Tori said, "Wow, Mom, you made it all the way to 200!"

WHAT?!?!?!

I quickly looked at the scale. Fortunately, she was way off. I wasn't at 200. But I looked. I saw the number and I wanted to cry. I would rather not post on a public blog how much I weigh, so let's just say that I have never weighed this much (other than when I'm hugely pregnant). It's time to fix that.

Ugh. I hate dieting! I love to cook. I love to eat. I LOVE FOOD! I really don't want to give up nachos, buttered popcorn, cookies, cupcakes, white bread, or any of those really delicious, highly processed snacks from the grocery store. It's a very sad day for me.

But, it needs to be done. I need to lose a full 20 lbs. I'm not going to set a date that I need to have it gone. I'm just going to reward myself when it's done. That will be my motivation. My reward? New jeans. My favorite jeans are dying. They are ripping everywhere (probably because I insist on squeezing my ample bottom into them) and they will not last much longer. I refuse to buy new jeans in my current size. So, when I get back down to my normal size, I will reward myself with new jeans. Not Walmart clearance sale jeans. Good jeans. I'm actually really excited about it. I'm excited enough that I got up this morning and put on my workout clothes to get on the treadmill.

So, I could use some help. First, don't say things like, "you don't need to lose weight, you look fine just the way you are!" That's not helping. That will just weaken my resolve and that's not good for anyone. Second, don't invite me to go running with you. I don't run. I have messed up feet and 3.5 miles is about as far as I can go without serious pain. I have a treadmill and a laptop with Netflix. That's how I like to work out. Third, don't tell me how fat you think you are. Chances are good that I think you look beautiful and I wish I could look like you. Telling me that you're fat makes me feel worse about myself.

So, without any further procrastination, I'm going to go get on the treadmill and watch The Vampire Diaries. Wish me luck, I'm going to need it.

It's Resolution Time!

Well, it's January 1st and time to make some resolutions for this year. I'm pretty bad at following through on my resolutions. I'm good until about March, then it all goes down hill. I just forget about them! So, I've decided to write them down and put them on my mirror so I'll see them every day. The trendy thing this year is to choose a word to define the upcoming year. I'm not going to do that. My year is going to be too awesome for just one word.

1. Get back to basics. Don't worry about doing every single thing perfectly, just focus on the most important things, do them well, and everything else will be good enough.

2. Exercise. My goal for this year is to do some form of exercise every day (except Sunday). On super busy days, I might only spent 15 minutes on the treadmill or take Baxter for an extra long walk, but I will do something 6 days a week.

3. Read The New Testament. I have studied this book of scripture at church many times, but I don't think I have ever sat down and read the whole thing by myself. This year, I will.

4. Think nice thoughts. I'm very hard on myself and am my own worst critic. This year, I will be nice to myself. I will accept that I can't do everything perfectly and I will try to recognize my talents and strengths. I will still try to overcome my weaknesses, but I will not hate myself for them.

5. Don't pick. This sounds dumb, but I'm a picker. If I see a scab, a zit, a loose piece of skin on myself or anyone in my family, I must pick at it. It's not a good habit. It's bad for my skin, it's gross, and it needs to stop.

That's it. I'm not going to make a thousand goals that I know I will never get around to fulfilling. I won't put that kind of pressure on myself. I want to keep the list small so that I have a chance of succeeding. Maybe I'll do an update half-way through the year, maybe not. We'll see if I can remember...